Sometimes and as Always

While browsing through my stories, posts and even status updates on different social networking sites I noticed that I have been frequently using the word “sometimes.”  In any sense, this word is one of the words which implies that the user is in doubt. There is no time frame as to when an event happens, or there is a doubt that it will happen again. Or it may imply that the user of the word had an experience of those things once, twice or thrice and it had a great impact on their life that if it will happen again they might react in the same manner again. If it will happen again.

Sometimes is most likely equivalent to doubt. And just as anyone would say: the way you act or the way you eat or even the way you write reflects who you really are. Yes. I can really agree. I’m one of the world’s number one doubter. I doubt even my capabilities. I doubt promises. I doubt tomorrows. I even doubt if I’ll ever wake up in the morning, or if my plane will make it to the airport.

Doubting is not a problem as long as you strive to push it away. To fight your inner paranoia– to really believe that the word trust do exist. Trust yourself. Trust the people around you. Trust the sun to shine tomorrow. Trust your eyes to open in the morning. Trust that pilot is capable of what he is doing– that he is trusting himself and his capabilities.

It’s difficult when you still can’t get over this childish issue. As long as you’re trying and it’s not yet eating you alive, you’ll make it.  Trust me. :’) Sometimes and as always.

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Streak of Sunlight over my Shukudai

And morning came, streaks of sunlight came through from the window and when I opened my eyes, I was greeted by this. A streak of sunlight unto my shukudai(assignment in Japanese). This is my life since November last year. Bombarded by assignments, quizzes and unending projects and programming. I’m not in school anymore, I’m in an extensive training to become a well-rounded developer.

It’s an extensive training–extensive is some sort of underestimation. It’s tough and sometimes it will bring you to the edge of your sanity, just kidding. It’s tough, to tell the truth. It’s like putting you in a situation as to how will you react when you need to prioritize and manage your time correctly.

I’m not really good at managing my time and at prioritizing things but I’m trying my best to be as good as I could be. I fail, I usually fail but I hope I can still cope with this.

Let the morning come and let those sunlight brighten up my day and enlighten my mind and open it up to be as good as I could be.

Look Forward and Backtrack

When someone asked you about the things that you look forward in the future, what do you usually think or do??

I think the best way to know the answer to that question is to backtrack. Right? This is your chance to think about the things that you’ve done and the things that you wished you did and the things you wish you didn’t. I think the things that you would be looking forward in the near future, that can be tomorrow or the next minute from now, is based (or biased?) from the things that happened in your past.

So when someone ask you this, seize that moment, backtrack as much as you can. It’s one of those times in your life wherein you’re allowed to stare into nothing and think of the things from the past. It’s not something that happens everyday.

It’s nostalgia– always, but surely, the answer to this question is something that you don’t get from anywhere. It will open your eyes to things that you love the most– or the things that you wished you’ll do. So look forward and backtrack.

🙂 Btw, thanks Jane! :*

I don’t know

I am one of the most unsure person living in this world. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I don’t like. I’m not sure of every decision I make. I usually make a lot of mistakes and regret them because I don’t know what to do when I encounter them. They usually tell me that I should listen to my heart– because somewhere deep within me, there would be a voice that would guide me where I should go or what should I do. But I never heard that voice. All I hear were deafening silence and it scares me. Maybe the voice inside me was never formed, there was never something inside of me that would guide me.

I think with the exception of one thing, I was never really sure of everything. Maybe I’ll know what I wanted for so long when I’ll encounter it. As of now, it’s just a pure haze of nothingness. I can’t even decide what my favorite color is or what handwriting should I use. I get confused by the simple things that I should decide on my life.

Cold Coffee

She sat there, watching aimlessly as people around her walk faster than the normal. Life in the city is faster compared to that that you can find on the countryside, and what’s more appealing is the fact that people won’t mind you when you live here. People has their own life to catch up that they don’t have the time to dwell on other people’s life. And it suits her. It’s the best cure to what she’s afraid of. She doesn’t like being watched or being talked about, she has this paranoia over things about her.

She stared at her cold coffee. She’s been sitting outside the coffee shop for almost an hour, and her coffee covered all the stages from hot to warm to cold to super cold. She didn’t know what came into her mind why she went inside that coffee shop. It’s been a year since the last time that she visited here. And the coffee triggered memories, memories she tried to hide–no, memories she persuaded herself never to remember again.

People drink coffee occassionaly or frequently on different reasons. Some people needs the caffeine that it offers, others need the smell or whatever happiness they can get from it. And for her, it’s a hobby. She loves coffee, next to books. She can consume three to four cups of coffee in one day. It gives her happiness that she didn’t find in her life.

Growing up alone because everyone thinks she’s too smart to be someone’s friend. Or, never been dated because men thinks she’s like a star they can’t conquer– but deep inside her is a soft person waiting for the right one. She want to know what it would feel like being loved. That feeling that makes the protagonist or antagonist lose his or her mind. She wonders what makes people do crazy things when they are in love. She want to know.

It was a rainy afternoon and she regretted getting out of her bed that morning. This is the best weather that she had waited for, she wanna lay in her bed with a coffee on the side table and read books or watch the news whole day. She sighed at the traffic jam building in front of her. It’s impossible for her to go home. She decided to enter the coffee shop and found a table for two that was empty. Not so bad then. She sat there and stared at the wall. It was painted in brown with some sort of small paintings hanged.

“Can I share?” a smiling face appeared in front of her.

“Y-yes” she stuttered.It was quite weird, that feeling. She wasn’t even sure where did that man came from.

She didn’t know how it happened. How he appeared suddenly in front of her, that was the beginning of something new. Something that she thought was impossible. She was ready not to find that feeling that they called love.

It started swiftly, faster than she can imagine. They had something special, and it made her happy. It was something unexplainable– the books were not that consice or they didn’t give justice to what she feel. It was something that can make any person mad, insanely happy and all the extreme feelings that anyone can get when they’re inlove. It was something new and it’s making her mad.

Her lifestyle changed. Everything about her changed , and the major changes happened when he moved in. He was some kind of perfectionist, which makes her fall for her even more. She was challenged to make him happy. Perfectionist are difficult to please, and she loves difficulty. He helped her to stop drinking coffee, he said it was not good for her. She eventually did stop and made a lot of improvements in her life.

They had a lot of plans. Good plans in the near future. They would purchase a real house, get married and have children. Until now, she still wonders what happened in between. Suddenly, everything went from right to wrong to worse and the next thing she knows he already slammed the door. It was terrifying, the coldness and the pain. The book failed to tell her that love can also kill the happiness that it had given you and then consume the life out of you. She was ready to die at that moment to escape the pain. But, she couldn’t.

She blinked. Tears were clouding up her eyes. The baby. It was the most painful part. It was the only thing that made her sane, but he didn’t made it. That baby. The baby that she planned to be the center of her universe, that baby that will make her whole again. She planned not to tell him about it but fate has it’s own way of making everything wrong. It was also rainy when that baby was taken from her forever, she slipped on the road while walking to the grocery. She bleeded and lost consiousness and woke up at the hospital.

He was there, sitting and crying. It was enough to make her realize that they lost him or her. His tears and the frustration in his voice when he asked her why she didn’t told her about it. It was enough, enough to make her wanna die even more. Everyone was taken away from her. Everything that was so special to her. It was frustrating. It was life-shattering.

Losing the baby had some good things on it too, they started communicating. They started to forgive each other,but, it wasn’t enough to make them love each other. No, she was sure, they’ll just hurt each other. Not now, they can’t love each other the way they did in the past. It was over.

She sipped her cold coffee. It tasted good. So good– it was making her dizzy. She missed it. She wanna go back to her old self– and maybe this is the only way, she’ll start picking the pieces little by little. And maybe, just maybe she’ll be able to start a new. Someday, somehow she can start the day with a cup of coffee–again.

Different Perspectives

I don’t know what kind of perspective should I have to be able to go on with my life. I don’t know which is harder: holding on or letting go?

A question popped out of my head a few days ago, I was over thinking and over analyzing my situation, when the question hit me. Who is stronger: the one that moved on or the one that still holds on? On the side of the one who let go and moved on– it takes a lot of courage to let go something that you really love. And the pain and loneliness that a person feels is somewhat unbearable, letting go of someone is not as easy as you see it in the movies. And the worst thing is, when you’re experiencing it, it feels like all the pain you’ve been running from are there–ready to make you regret loving someone. And they’ll beat you up until you acknowledge their existence in to your life. And as what the quote I’ve heard from a movie says, “You don’t get over the pain; rather, you just learn to live with it.” Maybe, this is all about it, when you finally let go, it means that you’re acknowledging the pain and at the same time, it’s high time to fix your life.

But, not all people has that perspective.  On the other side of the coin, there’s someone there, holding on to the promised love that the two of you made. He or she is not the weaker partner: it takes a lot of courage and patience and all the virtues you know to hold on to someone who turned his or her back on you. No. It’s not a weak person’s capability. When you hold on to someone and they are not there anymore, maybe it means that you still know or you still believe that they would remember their promises to you and to the relationship that you have. Holding on and never letting go is not something that a weak person can’t also do.

It’s hard to pick the side which I want to be. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not that easy when you know you’re holding on to something that you know is worth the wait and the pain. Love is not something that anyone can give you, sometimes, it comes with a lot of pains and hardships, but for sure, if it’s worth it, you’ll never get tired. 🙂

Babe’s New Puppies

My dog Babe’s got pregnant and gave birth without us knowing it–although when she gave birth, that was the moment that we were informed she was truly pregnant. It was really difficult to detect whether or not your dog is pregnant.

I was playing with her and was cuddling her when I seemed to recognize the changes in her body. I wasn’t even sure that she was indeed pregnant.

Then, I went to Cebu to continue my training. And then my Mother called telling me that my Babes had given birth to 3 puppies–sadly one of them died. That was really sad and scary for me. I was afraid, my baby won’t be able to survive.

Happily she did. Thank God she is safe. I’m happy for the 2 babies that she brought to this world. 🙂

SpongeBob

My new addiction is here. 🙂

I’ve been collecting some Spongebob stuffs for quiet some time now.

It started with an oversize shirt  to pillows and now… ERASERS!

Yep, I’ve bought some cute erasers.

Here are they.. :3

The way a woman should be called

Women are complicated, so to say. We have our own preferences when it comes to dress, shoes, being address to or even on how we should be treated. It’s a matter of woman-perspective. And sometimes, it has something to do with what we want. Sometimes, we get too over reactant on things around us because sometimes it has something to do with how the men should act.

Take for example that certain day that we had an argument on my preference on not being called ‘Miga’. In my language, it means friend, a female friend. But sometimes, it is used sarcastically, in which sometimes it is not good for me.

The male on our groups were fussing around because I was stereotyping the males who calls a woman ‘Miga’ as someone who cannot be trusted.

But for me, it has nothing to do with that. I prefer to let someone know that there are fine lines separating a stranger and my friends. I am not the most friendly person you’ll ever met, but I’m not a bad person also. 🙂 I’m just a woman so sometimes, I’m really complicated. 🙂

A night spent with some special people

5 years ago, I met these people. We were on the same degree program when we enter the University of the Philippines Mindanao, and after 4 or 5 years we were on our separate ways; trying to find our place in this world. Yep, the real world is much more different from the academe. In the academe, you get your allowance from your parents, you go to school to learn and sometimes, you fail. And it’s okay, it’s part of growing up, of maturing and making yourself ready to what lies ahead.

And after the 4 years or 5 years or 6 years, for some, it’s a new world after all. A very different from the one we used to have. And I totally missed them. For all the things that we’ve done together, for all the difficult lessons and the hell week’s we’ve survived, it’s an experience I don’t want to forget.

Last December 23, 2011, we had our 2nd reunion. Errm, 2nd because the first one was last December 18, 2011 and I was still in Cebu that time and I can’t fly back to Davao. The first stop was Zabadani, an Arabic-inspired cafe with foods. We had fun talking and updating each other of the whereabouts of each other. It’s an amazing place. There are no chairs so we just sat on the mini beds and chatted while waiting for the food. Played some games and there was so much laughter in the air. Something that I really miss.

After eating our hearts out, the next destination was Dover Lanes, a bowling place in Davao. We played bowling (Of course! ) And I’m not really good at it. After an hour or so, we went out from there. And my hands were aching. 😀 But I’m happy with all this.

After it, we went to Mcdo to unwind and relax before going home. Reminiscing the past was so fun. There was too much happiness. We were laughing remembering all the foolishness and the things that we’ve done. Talking about a lot of things  over burger, fries and coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a well spent night. Something I’ll remember and will look forward for the next.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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