Sometimes and as Always

While browsing through my stories, posts and even status updates on different social networking sites I noticed that I have been frequently using the word “sometimes.”  In any sense, this word is one of the words which implies that the user is in doubt. There is no time frame as to when an event happens, or there is a doubt that it will happen again. Or it may imply that the user of the word had an experience of those things once, twice or thrice and it had a great impact on their life that if it will happen again they might react in the same manner again. If it will happen again.

Sometimes is most likely equivalent to doubt. And just as anyone would say: the way you act or the way you eat or even the way you write reflects who you really are. Yes. I can really agree. I’m one of the world’s number one doubter. I doubt even my capabilities. I doubt promises. I doubt tomorrows. I even doubt if I’ll ever wake up in the morning, or if my plane will make it to the airport.

Doubting is not a problem as long as you strive to push it away. To fight your inner paranoia– to really believe that the word trust do exist. Trust yourself. Trust the people around you. Trust the sun to shine tomorrow. Trust your eyes to open in the morning. Trust that pilot is capable of what he is doing– that he is trusting himself and his capabilities.

It’s difficult when you still can’t get over this childish issue. As long as you’re trying and it’s not yet eating you alive, you’ll make it.  Trust me. :’) Sometimes and as always.

Streak of Sunlight over my Shukudai

And morning came, streaks of sunlight came through from the window and when I opened my eyes, I was greeted by this. A streak of sunlight unto my shukudai(assignment in Japanese). This is my life since November last year. Bombarded by assignments, quizzes and unending projects and programming. I’m not in school anymore, I’m in an extensive training to become a well-rounded developer.

It’s an extensive training–extensive is some sort of underestimation. It’s tough and sometimes it will bring you to the edge of your sanity, just kidding. It’s tough, to tell the truth. It’s like putting you in a situation as to how will you react when you need to prioritize and manage your time correctly.

I’m not really good at managing my time and at prioritizing things but I’m trying my best to be as good as I could be. I fail, I usually fail but I hope I can still cope with this.

Let the morning come and let those sunlight brighten up my day and enlighten my mind and open it up to be as good as I could be.

Nightmares with eyes wide open

This is an old book from Stephen King and as usual it is one of the best book that I have ever read. Yep, I really love reading. And this is better than watching those movies that came from book. It’s like recreating a new world or maybe a new movie but this time you became the director of the movie. And you have the capability of not cutting any part of the book that you think is important. That’s my dilemma over movie that came from  book. They usually cut my favorite part. 😦

That’s terrible for me, it’s like telling me that those important parts are not.

Anyway, I got this book from a friend. I really do want to read Stephen King’s books but it’s the chance and the money–quite expensive, that’s giving me those sort of hesitations. I love reading and this writer is one of the best storyteller I have encountered my whole life.

His stories for me are the best, as what the title of this post tells you– it’s like having nightmares with eyes wide open–deep into his thought and drowning over the scenes and the fast pacing, brain-racking situations that I wished that I never decided to read this at 12 midnight. It’s fun and this one, with it’s 20 short stories is like the best of them all. Will buy some more when I get the chance. 😀

Look Forward and Backtrack

When someone asked you about the things that you look forward in the future, what do you usually think or do??

I think the best way to know the answer to that question is to backtrack. Right? This is your chance to think about the things that you’ve done and the things that you wished you did and the things you wish you didn’t. I think the things that you would be looking forward in the near future, that can be tomorrow or the next minute from now, is based (or biased?) from the things that happened in your past.

So when someone ask you this, seize that moment, backtrack as much as you can. It’s one of those times in your life wherein you’re allowed to stare into nothing and think of the things from the past. It’s not something that happens everyday.

It’s nostalgia– always, but surely, the answer to this question is something that you don’t get from anywhere. It will open your eyes to things that you love the most– or the things that you wished you’ll do. So look forward and backtrack.

🙂 Btw, thanks Jane! :*

Fighting Paranoia while walking a dark alley

I know it’s my fault for acting so cool and going out at this time of the night. I’m not the most courageous person you will ever meet in your life. I think I’m one of those who doesn’t even have the courage to face some of my fears. And tonight, I decided to walk alone. To take fast ride to the mall and then decided after 15 minutes to go back home.

It’s a waste of time. I think so. But, I did it. So move on. The problem is not the waste of time– it’s the paranoia that I get when I walk alone the dark alley that separates our apartment and the tricycle terminal. I usually pray that there would be a lot of people that would walk that alley with me. I think I’m the most unlucky person tonight. Rawr! I get to walk that path alone. It’s not that dark– there were lights, some lights from the moon. Creepy. Just kidding, I think those lights came from the nearest house to that path.

Well, that really did scare me tonight. I had this over reacting mind that exaggerates every shadow as someone who would creep from behind me and grab me and I would be too weak to defend myself. Sometimes, it’s not really healthy to be this paranoid. But, I came out alive. I arrived safely. I’m just your regular paranoid person. ~_~

So I’m really alone

In line with my last post– well, I’m really alone. And it’s a very hot Saturday afternoon. Everyone has their own things to do and I’m here–stuck at home and I still don’t have the courage to face my shukudai, sakubon and take home exam. And add a 400-character Japanese speech to that and I know this weekend will be crazier and busier than I thought. Instead of making a very good decision in making this afternoon a very productive one, here I am typing some things and thinking and typing and still don’t know which is which. 😛

Well, I got bored. So I took the liberty to have some photos with Eeyore and Jack– Jill’s stuffed toys. They are my home buddies this hot Saturday afternoon. O_o

Being Alone

Sometimes it is the silence of the day or the night that makes everything seems so clear. It’s not just sadness that makes you realize that every  person needs some time to be alone. I’m sitting here, all alone and even though the music is playing like they should be and the voices of the neighbor can be heard– it still can’t stop me from thinking that I’m all alone now. I’m not sad and not happy at the same time. I’m at peace being alone. Sometimes, I lost words for conversation and sometimes I just love to think about anything and clear up my mind later. I love this silence and sometimes I like being alone.

Though at this part of my life, I really want to be with that special someone. I want to hold him, to see him and be with him. I know we’ll get there. Sooner. I hope, I really pray that that day would come sooner. I want to know more about him. 🙂

I don’t know

I am one of the most unsure person living in this world. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I don’t like. I’m not sure of every decision I make. I usually make a lot of mistakes and regret them because I don’t know what to do when I encounter them. They usually tell me that I should listen to my heart– because somewhere deep within me, there would be a voice that would guide me where I should go or what should I do. But I never heard that voice. All I hear were deafening silence and it scares me. Maybe the voice inside me was never formed, there was never something inside of me that would guide me.

I think with the exception of one thing, I was never really sure of everything. Maybe I’ll know what I wanted for so long when I’ll encounter it. As of now, it’s just a pure haze of nothingness. I can’t even decide what my favorite color is or what handwriting should I use. I get confused by the simple things that I should decide on my life.

Trying to learn Japanese

Since ACTION started, my Japanese lessons started also– it’s part of the training I am undergoing right now. And it’s amazing, how fast everything is going and it seems I’m not really good enough to catch up with everything so fast. The new words, the new sentence patterns and all the things that you can associate when you are learning a new language. I think I have this not so good learning process that I really consumes a lot of time before I’d be able to understand everything in it. Though, it is a different story when I learn new Programming language. They are really different, but programming language is easier compared to learning new language.

I guess my love for the Japanese language is still there. I’m really amazed by this language from the very beginning. I’m a bit jealous when my friends took a subject way back in college that is about the Japanese language. As a result, they were teaching me the basics and a few words and sentences with it. I guess, it was helpful today. Though I know I still have a lot to learn.

And the up coming mock exam is getting on my nerve. Geez. I’m supposed to be studying right now, but here I am on the net, surfing and a little bit irresponsible. But, nope. It’s not yet too late.


Cold Coffee

She sat there, watching aimlessly as people around her walk faster than the normal. Life in the city is faster compared to that that you can find on the countryside, and what’s more appealing is the fact that people won’t mind you when you live here. People has their own life to catch up that they don’t have the time to dwell on other people’s life. And it suits her. It’s the best cure to what she’s afraid of. She doesn’t like being watched or being talked about, she has this paranoia over things about her.

She stared at her cold coffee. She’s been sitting outside the coffee shop for almost an hour, and her coffee covered all the stages from hot to warm to cold to super cold. She didn’t know what came into her mind why she went inside that coffee shop. It’s been a year since the last time that she visited here. And the coffee triggered memories, memories she tried to hide–no, memories she persuaded herself never to remember again.

People drink coffee occassionaly or frequently on different reasons. Some people needs the caffeine that it offers, others need the smell or whatever happiness they can get from it. And for her, it’s a hobby. She loves coffee, next to books. She can consume three to four cups of coffee in one day. It gives her happiness that she didn’t find in her life.

Growing up alone because everyone thinks she’s too smart to be someone’s friend. Or, never been dated because men thinks she’s like a star they can’t conquer– but deep inside her is a soft person waiting for the right one. She want to know what it would feel like being loved. That feeling that makes the protagonist or antagonist lose his or her mind. She wonders what makes people do crazy things when they are in love. She want to know.

It was a rainy afternoon and she regretted getting out of her bed that morning. This is the best weather that she had waited for, she wanna lay in her bed with a coffee on the side table and read books or watch the news whole day. She sighed at the traffic jam building in front of her. It’s impossible for her to go home. She decided to enter the coffee shop and found a table for two that was empty. Not so bad then. She sat there and stared at the wall. It was painted in brown with some sort of small paintings hanged.

“Can I share?” a smiling face appeared in front of her.

“Y-yes” she stuttered.It was quite weird, that feeling. She wasn’t even sure where did that man came from.

She didn’t know how it happened. How he appeared suddenly in front of her, that was the beginning of something new. Something that she thought was impossible. She was ready not to find that feeling that they called love.

It started swiftly, faster than she can imagine. They had something special, and it made her happy. It was something unexplainable– the books were not that consice or they didn’t give justice to what she feel. It was something that can make any person mad, insanely happy and all the extreme feelings that anyone can get when they’re inlove. It was something new and it’s making her mad.

Her lifestyle changed. Everything about her changed , and the major changes happened when he moved in. He was some kind of perfectionist, which makes her fall for her even more. She was challenged to make him happy. Perfectionist are difficult to please, and she loves difficulty. He helped her to stop drinking coffee, he said it was not good for her. She eventually did stop and made a lot of improvements in her life.

They had a lot of plans. Good plans in the near future. They would purchase a real house, get married and have children. Until now, she still wonders what happened in between. Suddenly, everything went from right to wrong to worse and the next thing she knows he already slammed the door. It was terrifying, the coldness and the pain. The book failed to tell her that love can also kill the happiness that it had given you and then consume the life out of you. She was ready to die at that moment to escape the pain. But, she couldn’t.

She blinked. Tears were clouding up her eyes. The baby. It was the most painful part. It was the only thing that made her sane, but he didn’t made it. That baby. The baby that she planned to be the center of her universe, that baby that will make her whole again. She planned not to tell him about it but fate has it’s own way of making everything wrong. It was also rainy when that baby was taken from her forever, she slipped on the road while walking to the grocery. She bleeded and lost consiousness and woke up at the hospital.

He was there, sitting and crying. It was enough to make her realize that they lost him or her. His tears and the frustration in his voice when he asked her why she didn’t told her about it. It was enough, enough to make her wanna die even more. Everyone was taken away from her. Everything that was so special to her. It was frustrating. It was life-shattering.

Losing the baby had some good things on it too, they started communicating. They started to forgive each other,but, it wasn’t enough to make them love each other. No, she was sure, they’ll just hurt each other. Not now, they can’t love each other the way they did in the past. It was over.

She sipped her cold coffee. It tasted good. So good– it was making her dizzy. She missed it. She wanna go back to her old self– and maybe this is the only way, she’ll start picking the pieces little by little. And maybe, just maybe she’ll be able to start a new. Someday, somehow she can start the day with a cup of coffee–again.

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August 2020